Out of Options
by Kodiak Bear Country
Summary: Some of John's thoughts during 2x01, In my Time of Dying


Title: Out of Options  
Author: kodiak bear  
Cat: Gen  
Rating: TWarnings: **Spoilers for episode 2x01, In My Time of Dying**  
Summary: John's thoughts as he realizes what he has to do to save his son.  
AN: Kind of a get my feet wet thing, and what better place than this episode.

**_Out of Options_**

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_Dean. Son of a bitch_.

He looks more fragile than I think he ever has; he's never looked like this, not even when they handed him to me as a red-skinned newborn. Then, he'd squalled and fought against the nurse's hands, and thrust his fists angrily at the world that dared make him uncomfortable.

_How did we get here? How did it come to this?_

Nobody answers me; hell, I would've hit first and asked questions later if they did. The only sounds in Dean's room are the soft _hiss_ and _pop_ of the ventilator and the quiet, subdued beeps of the monitors. _Yeah, John, your son is on a fucking vent, because you couldn't beat your demon. _

No one could berate me like I would. No one could make this easier.

When he was little, before Mary's death, I had cradled him in my lap, rocked away his pain and his fear. I had told Dean there weren't any monsters in his closet or under his bed. Then the monster had come for his mother and nothing had been the same; not his mornings and not his nights, because I had found the monster under the bed and gave Dean a shot gun to shoot it with, never looking back.

The demon had lied with my mouth. Hurt Dean. And all I had cared about was killing it. Having Sammy shoot me and ending all of this. _God_. I had fought so long, hunted days and nights, pored over articles and portents and trailed the bastard from town to town only to have it blow up spectacularly in my face… in my sons' faces.

All Sammy had had to do was pull that trigger and Dean would've been safe; Sam, free from whatever the hell that thing had planned, and now all I could do was damage control.

OoO

"How you feeling, dude?"

"Fine, I guess. I'm alive."

It's killing me. He looks so goddamned small, uncertain, and vulnerable, lying in that bed. He's alive, breathing, and it's the best I can do. The bastard told the truth. Held up his end of the deal.

I force a pained smile. "That's what matters."

My control's legendary, my anger, mythological, but my love for my boys – it's more than I can hold in right now because this is goodbye and I don't have the guts to say more than what it takes. But at least I have this.

Sammy's spoiling for a fight, again, and this time I just don't have the anger to meet his. I can't spend these last minutes fighting and so I plead and evade, and send him away, off to get a cup of coffee that I'm never going to drink.

I've got to do this thing. Lay one more burden on Dean's already bowed shoulders.

And then I'm out.

Words that I've kept inside find their way out; I haven't ever cried in front of my boys, not even that terrible night when I lost Mary, but this is the end of the road and I made some mistakes. My voice trembles and somehow I get through it without completely breaking down. I clasp Dean's shoulder, feel the warmth of his skin radiating through the thin, white hospital t-shirt. "I want you to watch out for Sammy."

His eyes search mine, confused, scared. "You know I will."

Dean's always been smart. He's always known things he shouldn't have had to know. And I hate myself even as I lean in and whisper in his ears the last order I'll ever give him. I just hope to God it never comes to that.

But at least for now, Sam has Dean, and Dean has Sam, and that demon's made one big mistake. He thinks my boys aren't much of a threat. And he can just keep on thinking that way, right up until the day my boys send him into nothingness. Because if there's a way to save Sammy, Dean will find it. And if there's a way to kill that yellow-eyed son of a bitch, Sammy will find it.

I smile tremulously, one final time. I hate leaving Dean like this, but I've done all I could. The rest is up to them. I turn and leave before I find I can't, and the last thing I want is for Dean to witness this. He's already seen too much.

I slide into a nearby room, put the colt on the table. I take a deep breath and stare my fate in the face. "Okay."


End file.
